alright, well in a few days we will be in what will become the year 2006.
and i really don't think i can summarize 2005 in an lj post.

2005, well it was 2005.
and the most i can say is while i did create some magnificent memories,
i am not proud of some times either.

and with that being said,
i'd like to send out an apology.
an apology to every single friend who i let down,
who i dragged down with me,
and who i pushed away in the process.
and i mean this from the depth of my heart and with all that i am.
i truly am sorry.
these past weeks i have been praying for all of you.
God and I are becoming great friends now,
and He and I are working on making amends.

so in eager anticipation of the new year,
that is hopefully abundant in new possibilities
and alive with hope,
i give you my last lj post in this journal.
now, i'm thinking of possibly making one purely for pictures.
but, this one, well it's done for.
the past is past and i am working on building a prosperous new future.

and so i end with my theme for 2006:
"the worst is over, you can have the best of me."

i hope everyone had a great year,
and i wish you all the best in 2006.
God Bless.

current mood: peaceful

take

       it

           a

              day

                   at

                        a

                           time

Admit it.
You never meant a word you said. You never meant anything at all.
You faked everything from the start, when we became "best friends."
Didn't you?...Because now it seems like nothing ever mattered to you.
It's the worst feeling in the world, feeling so oblivious to you.
Knowing that I fucked myself over so many times for you,
And you can't even look at me.

You set me up.
You used me and you led me to think that I was your best friend.
When really, I was just a stand-in as you waited for someone better to come back.
To pick up where we were and to make it seem like I was absolutely nothing.
I was, wasn't I.
I still am.

And to think I tried so hard for this and put in every inch of effort,
Just to know that you honestly don't give a shit.
I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life,
I did it for you and for myself.
You didn't even think twice about it did you?
Did you realize how hard it was to do it without you?
You said "every step of the way."
Well where the fuck were you?

You're happier now than you've ever been.
Obviously without me.
I can't belive I set myself up to crash like this.
I can't believe you made me believe everything you meant was the truth.

I can't even tell what's real anymore.
Because of you, I can never put my whole trust in someone again.
I put my life in your hands, but it just drifted like grains of sand.

So I'll watch you go, walk on, as if we never even spoke to each other before.
I'll watch you as you go through the happiest times of your life.
I'll watch you as you go on with your life without me.

current mood: discontent

Once again I've retreated to this. The past two months have been the hardest times I've ever had to experience. I had to experience them without the comfort of the person who means the most to me. The person who saved my life countless times. The person who I owe so much to. The person I call my best friend. Living life without someone like this is basically living a life with no meaning and no direction. This best friend was my direction, placing me on the right paths while walking them along with me. This best friend gave everything meaning when I thought everything lost its color and purpose. There is no life without her. I've been living everyday in a meaningless haze of confusion and distress. Every time I call out for help, I can't seem to find what I want and what can really satisfy me. It's my own voice reverberating through the silence in a crowded room, where the only person I want my voice to reach is you. I know that this growing distance is due to my faults. It is my fault. Every time you tried to help, you dragged yourself down with me. And all I did was push you away. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do to you. I’d never want to push away someone who put their life on hold for me. Someone who put forth so much time and effort just to alleviate little disasters from my life. I don’t know how I can ever forgive myself for that. I tried so hard to hold onto you through all of this not knowing how selfish I was and how much it affected you. All I know is “If I kept you too close, it’s because I wanted to keep you longer.” That is the truth. You knew my past with different people and I didn’t want anything to destroy this friendship. This is why I’m trying so hard to keep you now, but we can’t even exchange glances, none the less even words. I know I’ve brought this peril upon myself too. I hate who I’ve become. I hate what I have done. I told you I would change everything for you and I will. I’ve already put a stop to those bad habits that tormented this in the first place. I’m done with them. But the thing that’s affecting me the most is the fact that I hate everyday that I have to live without you.

I wish this would stop. I wish we could change this. I wish it was rewind, summertime. I wish you’d say something, anything. I wish you could see how this is affecting me. I wish you could see how I’ve never tried this hard for anyone or anything. I wish I could go back and take back everything I ever did wrong. I wish I could repay you for all that you’ve done for me. I wish I could go to your house, even if this would be the last time. I wish you would give me a chance.

I miss the past. I miss the fun we had. I miss going to shows with you. I miss going to the mall with you. I miss our car rides. I miss our talks, especially the long ones. I miss our texts. I miss the way you would help me. I miss those days at that house, when it was us three. I miss the way we laughed. I miss you calling me “a little kid.” I miss us talking all night in your room. I miss the days that meant the most to me.

I miss you, my best friend, my big sis.

current mood: Lord, God help me.

This is pretty much the only song that can sum up my mood right now.

So I'm really fucking loving how everyone is doing what they said they wouldn't. Change is occurring at an even quicker pace now that I know I'll never catch up to it. It's not like I want to anyway. I'm such a fucking sucker for trust and I'm really getting tired of being so vulnerable. My vulnerability is why I fucking care so much and worry about people constantly. I know they don't feel the same way. It's good to know if I never need any type of good attention all I have to do is fuck myself up. I mean if everyone else is starting up shit again, I sure as hell should. I tried so hard for so long to not even attempt it at all and I was doing so good. But why try anymore, is it even worth it?

I hate feeling that I'm in that same hole as I was in the beginning and I just keep digging deeper and deeper. The problem is now I don't even know who to turn to.

I miss you more than you know if you even read this.

end.

current mood: confused

Alright, so school started two weeks ago and I haven't even worried about it. Everyone keeps talking about how stressed they are, and I guess I would be if everything wasn't running through my head. I can't focus on anything anymore. I guess I just really don 't care. Everything's going down that same twisted path as last year. And I'm not sure if I can handle it this time. I'm so confused and lost and I keep asking why do I feel so alone. I've lost or pushed away everyone that has ever been close to me. So much for hoping for the better right? It's like someone tore all of it up right in front of me and left it in bits and pieces all over the room so it'll never leave me. I'm living in a constant reminder of how my mistakes will lead me to destination: nowhere.
Lately, that's how it's been...all these changes are taking place right in front of me. And I'm nothing but a ghost towards it all. I can see/hear/feel everything but I can't prevent it or let myself be known to the people that it does involve. My emotions always get the worst of me. I can't even sleep securely. I fall asleep thinking of all my mistakes and all my doubts. But it's as if the harder I try, the harder I fall. And there's no one there to pick me up. No, I've run out of chances and trust.

And last week I made the decision of finally letting the truth out. Hah, I was so wrong. After a while I lost all the reasons and support I had for it. So why even bother now? I'd be a huge hyprocrite if I did actually attempt it because that very day, it was all I could think about. And yes, I just thought about it and kept myself from attempting it.

Everything and everyone is changing so fast and I can't hold on for too much longer.
So either go along this ride with me or I'll find my own way out of here.

current mood: lonely

This past weekend has been so eye opening.
Although my experience on the IW ACTS retreat was unforgettably amazing,
Every retreat has something special that differentiates itself from the others.
This retreat allowed me to really see what I was doing with my life;
In the past, the present, and the future.
So many people impacted my life this weekend.
I'd like to thank all those on team who made this retreat so incredible.
Your hard work will always be appreciated.
Also thank you to all my friends who were there for me as well;
Those who I've known for so long,
Those for a few years,
And those I just met that weekend.
Everything you did for me was so helpful,
And it's great knowing I have a great support system/community here for me.

So Warped Tour 05' was on Sunday.
I had the best time ever even though it was scorching outside.
I wish I could've hung out longer with my bigsis Melissa though!!!
The lineup was good too and the performances that stood out were:
-Motion City Soundtrack
-The Starting Line
-Underoath ( I caught a few songs)
-AAR (took me back to 8th grade <3 haha)
-Emery

And the day ended perfectly with my favorite performance:
-Hidden in Plain View
I absolutely love this band and the guys themselves are amazing.
Overall it was a great day and I had a great time.

But then the next day I hit reality.
Something is always bound to fuck with my moods.
The truth has hit: Everything has changed.
Some people come into your lives and change everything,
But then something happens,
And they are only in your life temporarily.
I mean not everything can be permanent right?

I need to start learning how to let go
And preparing myself for the worst.
Because I'm tired of always being second best, being outdone
After trying so hard and putting in so much effort.

I can't explain, what made me stay,
I fall into the same mistakes,
Like all good things, they never last,
The past is past

I'd rather be drowning, than swimming away,
That's something that will never change,
I swallow regret, and hope for the best,
If this is all that i can do

This is why I never try,
To make it seem we shouldn't leave,
This is why I never try

This air is contagious,
No one can save us,
But I wait

I must confess, I'm not impressed,
There's nothing worse than losing you,
I must confess, I'm not the same
Like all good things.

current mood: gloomy

So we all a need a night like this once in a while. A night that makes you think about the past, bask in the memories, let them run through your veins. A night where every look on every face is a constant reminder of what is, what was, and what could have been. A night where people who you might not have seen for a few weeks can come into your life and input a momentary happiness that you lose yourself in to find yourself. We all need to lose ourselves at one point only to be found again refreshed, renewed and rejuvenated. Though we might not find ourselves at that very moment, we bathe in what is going to get us there. So that we can only be reconciled again by ourselves through the people around us. These people could be those who have hurt us deeper than words can allow, those who have shared a decade of their lives with us, those who we have just met, those who come back into our lives after a distance. Every single person and every single moment is a new step, a fresh breath of air, a drink in the fountain of life. One night can make your eyes open up to a brand new everlasting forever.

-me

current mood: contemplative

Too scared to let go,
Yet too afraid to hold on.

current mood: confused

Yeah, it's been a while.
A lot has come and gone:
+ My Birthday was May 2nd <3
- Some times I'd like to not remember, at all.
- Finals
+ School's finally over
+/- Summer's here.

The -'s are taking over the +'s right about now.
It's amazing how disappointments can occur the first few days.
But I guess I should be getting used to it.
I was looking forward to a lot this summer.
But at the rate it's going,
I shouldn't be expecting or anticipating for a lot to happen.
Let's hope this will change soon.

The agenda goes as follows:
June 5th- mae, jamisonparker
June 9th- Acceptance, Anberlin
June 26th- Warped Tour '05
July 2nd- Spitalfield
July 9th- Kelly Clarkson (with the loves of my life <3)
August 4th-7th - St. Peters ACTS Retreat

Let's just hope all works out.
So I leave you with pictures of yesterday,
My KayLOVE's Birthday!
I hope you had a great birthday love <33

It's really hard to describe today,
A few words that come to mind are:
Amazing
Fun
Crazy
Enlightening
....But most of all irreplaceable.

Today seriously was perfect and the best day to date.
There's so much more to say,
But I'll update later.

Ari, Staci, Fel, Analisa and Catherine:
Thank you so much for being a part of it.
It meant so much to me.

Rachel (Retro Prepo):
What can I say?
You made everything possible.
It's not even my birthday yet,
But this has been the best thing anyone has ever done for me.
I'll probably write the longest entry to date thanking you for everything,
Like I said earlier, a day like this is what keeps me here.
I love you SO much.


Picture update pretty soon <33

current mood: grateful

I really don't know how to describe these past few days.
It went from total and complete chaos,
To making a much needed new beginning to my life.

Sorry to everyone who had to go through this with me,
Your patience and effort to help me will not go unappreciated.

Monday night was a breakthrough.
Melissa and Kayla:
Words can't express how much that night meant to me.
I meant every part of that letter and I love both of you so much.<333

And today,
Rachel:
I meant every word I said today,
[The positive ones of course]
It's so hard to put everything into words,
The best way to sum it up is Lifeline.
Today alone, I think you impacted me more than ever before.
I love you SO much.
I can't wait for our Indie/Artsy day!!! <33

Manda, Kara, TBS Buddy, Brittney, Brady, Bassler and Rangel:
I love every single one of you and what you all did for me truly meant so much to me.

It's so hard to put everything into perspective right now.
I'm still so amazed by everything.
Unexplainable feelings.

All I know is,
These girls are my angels.

current mood: relieved

 Completely lost control.

This is me losing grip on everything.
This is me on the edge.

current mood: so far gone...

So I'm choosing to rant on here,
Which might not be the best idea,
But it's a risk I'm willing to take.

So that whole "happy, life is awesome, no complaints" mood
Just went down the fucking gutter.
Everything around me is pretty much falling apart:

My parents are pretty much fed up with me.
They're sick of my attitude and grades now?
And they keep harassing me asking about "What happened to your friends?"
Yeah it's pretty fucked when my parents notice.
They're either pulling me out of the school,
Or making me do some shit to make up for everything.
I'm up for the leaving option.
And other than my parents losing hope in me,
I've had my whole friendship side of life completely collapse.
It went from putting trust into so many people,
To trying to find anyone to just listen.

So when your family, your friends and education aspects of life have gone to shit.
Please tell me what I can rely on.

The only thing coming to mind is that old routine,
But eventually that routine will lead myself to my own tragedy.

current mood: discontent

So I've been thinking...
I haven't really made a picture post in a while?

                   I need one of those best friends that just knows in their heart and in their mind that they are your best friend and that you are there’s, there's no need for labeling each other....someone who I can just look at and know what they're thinking or what they're almost going to say.......someone who will look straight into my eyes and tell me the truth, no cover-ups.....someone I can tell all my secrets too and know that it stays with them and they'll never exploit it or judge me....someone who will take care of me and make sure I’m okay and that I’m doing fine....someone who no matter if I saw them five minutes ago or five days ago will hug me like we haven't seen each other in years....someone who will be right next to me when I’m scared or have a fear of some kind...someone who I can call at 3 a.m. crying and know that just their presence on the line can make me feel like nothing was ever wrong....someone who will drive in the middle of the night just to make sure that I stopped crying and brings me tissues and our favorite movies and cds just so I’ll  be fine the rest of the night…someone who I can take road trips with for hours and drive forever listening to our favorite songs and talking, wishing that life could always be like this…someone who I can tell all my dreams too and my ambitions and know that they support them to the fullest and will always be encouraging me to complete them….someone who will approve of that guy I want as my boyfriend, making sure he’s fully capable of being with me and won’t break my heart…someone I can take to a concert and have the time of my life, even though they might hate that particular band or singer, just so they can be happy for me and with me…someone who can laugh at every stupid joke I make and tell me it was stupid but laugh anyway…someone who will take me shopping and tell me if something looks stupid or ugly and just reassure me that I’ll always be beautiful no matter what….someone I can go to the park with and swing next to and wish we were kids again….someone who will fall asleep near me so that I know I’m safe and near someone who means the most to me….someone who I can talk online with for hours, even about stupid stuff and about all that’s going on...someone who will respect me for being against drinking and smoking, and will put it down so they can be with me…someone who will always keep in touch with me even if we’ve parted ways or moved on and know that we will always be the best of friends…and lastly someone who will be there at every important part of my life, my graduation, my batchelorette party,  my wedding, my baby shower, my kid’s first birthday party, my kids graduation, and even my funeral….but hopefully not my funeral, because if anyone goes first, I’ll be that one taking the bullet for them, I’ll be that one pushing them to the side from an incoming car, I’ll be the one grabbing the knife and letting it strike me, I’ll be the one in that hospital bed next to them, I’ll be in that casket right next to them at our funeral…because no matter what, we’ll be together forever, in the real world or in heaven….alive and in death.          

                                                  ~ Me

current mood: thoughtful